moments of contentment

it's summer time and we're sitting together on a bench placed high upon a cliff, overlooking a lake. its a beautiful view of the mountains and if i squint my eyes tight enough, i can see people in their cars, passing by me as they drive down I-80.
this is our spot.

i look over at you, sitting next to me, holding my hand and for the first time in a long time, you're seeing the world as i'm seeing it. we're seeing it together. and for just a quick second.. i feel as though we've been here before. it's like we're 80 years old and we've lived this memory before. i snap back to the moment and for the first time, you tell me you love me.

it's not the overwhelming butterfly kind of moment.

it's more like a moment of contentment. a completion that fulfills you, brings your soul peace and makes you see the world with a little more ease.

three years later it's snowing. we've been growing apart lately with the distance between us and we're not really "us".
the lake is frozen over and we step out onto the lake. i look at you.. a little worried that we're on thin ice and you smile because you know its going to be okay.

i'm skating on the ice, spinning and swirling in circles around you.
we're laughing and we start to dance. you're whispering a song called "love story" in my ear. this is our love story.

we walk up to our bench on the cliff and look out over the world covered in white.
you turn to me, and for the first time in a long time.. you tell me you love me.

a moment of contentment. a completion that fulfills you, brings your soul peace and makes you see the world with a little more ease.

two years later i'm driving home. it's snowing on my windshield and on the freeway, right in front of our bench that looks over the world, i lose control and very nearly lose my life. when it's finally over, i realize im ok. we're ok. you still love me. and i'm still alive.

now thats a moment of contentment. a completion that fulfills you, brings your soul peace and makes you truly see the world with just a little more ease.

pleading, not praying

i would like to first of all agree with elizabeth gilbert, who wrote in her book that when she uses the name "god" to speak to a higher power she isn't hoping to offend her readers, she just feels comfortable with the term. so here we go, i too would like to use the name god when reffering to the one i pray to.

really, though.. its more like pleading. i don't attend church and i've never been one to "pray". but much like elizabeth i've come to the point of pleading to god.

me, my soul, my personality, the person i am, has never been indecisive. i really think i've always know what i want. but then again, to say "i think i know" is quite the contradiction. so why don't i know? it's just not me to be this..... lost.

lost: unable to find the way.

so why does this describe me? and why am i to the point of pleading?

i think because i'm never fulfilled where i am.. almost like i think there's something in the world im missing, like a part of me i never had. but then again, i "think", i do not know.

how does anyone really know? did you, reading this... and how did you know?

so here i am, pleading to god to help me make the right decisions. the big ones, like what to do for a career, who should i be, who should i be with, and where do i belong? i'm feeling like im floating again, all along being thankful that im breathing. thankful for the people in my life i love, who love me too. so why is that so bad? whats missing? why am i complaining?

its just something i guess im hoping to find.. something that completes me and that i don't ever question. something i "know".