makeup makeup makeup.

When I was about 10years old my mom was already a successful photographer in the small town I grew up in. She was even more talented than i can put into words. She would take beautiful photographs of people, have them printed in black and white, bring them home, spread them out on our gigantic dining room table.. take out her colored pencils and paints.. and hand color the photographs to make them look like paintings.

After staying up together many nights and watching her for hours on end.. she ordered me a few photos of girls to paint myself. I'd sit next to her and paint little girls cheeks rosy with pink paints.. then use black pencil to draw on eyelashes.. red lips, pink lips, coral lips. It was the beginning of my love for transforming the beautiful faces of women.

The most common thing people ask me is... what would you change about my makeup now?
Obviously that's an extremely hard question to answer on the spot.
But the amazing thing about makeup is you can express whoever you are.. and if it doesn't quite work out you can wash it off and start over.

A lot of women are "anti make-up". They claim it makes a woman "fake", "artificial", or "clown like".. But in my experience as a professional makeup artist these woman are usually (except for the few who are absolutely drop dead gorgeous without a stitch of it) afraid of makeup because they have no clue how to apply it or where to start. That's where I come in :)

The most amazing thing about makeup is the fact that it can be worn in ANY WAY you want it to be. If you are a simple girl and you really don't feel the need to take an hour in the morning to get ready for your day.. All you need is a great skin care line.. a little tinted moisturizer, mascara and lipgloss. If you're someone who LOVES to play with colors and textures... then you're in for fun.

I can still remember the first time I went to MAC.
My mom and I walked in, and the music was blasting..
and all the beautiful girls who worked there were dressed in black.
Not just black clothing though. Black art. They all wore the most amazing black high heels...
Some wore pencil skirts and others wore outfits that you look at and think..
"Wow I would have never thought to wear something like that."

The place has something about it that makes you not only envious of the artists who get to work there but theres also something that makes you want every single item they sell, even if you really aren't a makeup "enthusiast".

The best way I can describe MAC if you haven't ever had the privledge of visiting a store is like driving into a beautiful city at night and being in total awe.

Needless to say I became obsessed with the makeup but also becoming a part of the MAC world. It was just so much different than any of the other cookie cutter stores.

My first day working for MAC was pretty much like any other first day. Except that I was completely intimidated by the beauty that existed behind the counter. I very quickly made some of the best friends I've ever had. We would dress up like we were going out to a club for work.. make people look freakin amazing.. sell them the makeup.. then go out together. It was definitely the funnest job in the world and I couldn't believe I was getting paid the amount I was to do something I loved to do and hang out with my best friends.

All I wanted was to be promoted. I wanted to be a trainer for MAC. I wanted to be the artist who taught other artists technique and skills. The trainers were the MAC artists who walked into the room and you were at a loss for words. The were the celebrities of the MAC world.

I moved to California to work for MAC and still loved work just as much as the day I walked in for the first time.. But California was insanely expensive and I was in love with a boy who lived 7 hours away.

If you ever have the opportunity to work for the company.. you have the artistic ability and communication skills... my advice is don't give up until you're in.

Home.

I sometimes wonder what life would be like if we would have stayed together. Would we still spend Christmas on Soda Lake Road?... Would we still be happy as a family? Would life have changed and we could have worked through it together? But mostly.. What would our home be like today if it didn't have strangers living in it?

I dream about that house all the time.
I'm there with Jimmy and we have babies.
Shalena and I are walking together down the driveway.
Our dog shasta running down the hallway while my sister and I laugh as she leaps over us like hurdles.

I'm walking through the hallway.. checking every room. Looking for my dad, my mom, my sister. But I'm the only one in the house and its like we never left.

Sometimes I drive there just to stop and look. Remember who I used to be in that house.. and all I've really wanted to do is knock on the door and go inside. Why can't I just let it go and move on? It's just a house.. People move out of houses all the time. I don't want to ever let go of who we were there... a family together.

And what I really longed for since we left there to make new lives seperately... is the feeling of home.

That feeling of warmth that you run to when you're sick.. or heartbroken.. or you really need a break from your hectic life.. back to the place where you spent all your time as a child.. playing in the yard.. pressing your hands into the wet cement.. riding your bike without training wheels for the first time. That familiar place that is much like two arms wrapping so tightly around you right as you walk through the front door.

I miss it so much that it hurts.

For a long time after the divorce I felt like I was floating. Just floating through my life not even living. It was like I was a person but without a soul. A soul that I knew was in there somewhere so deep and I couldn't find or reach it. I would stay at my mom's new house for two weeks and as soon as I started feeling like I wasn't just a visitor there, like I might be home.. I'd have to pack up and leave again to go to my dad's new house that still felt new.

It might not make any sense at all, but as soon as I found Jimmy.. I felt those two arms wrapping around me.. it was like I was walking through that front door again on Soda Lake Road. It was like I was finally home. I cannot put into words the love I have for him.

For four years he was the person I wanted to be with when I was sad, sick.. or just needed someone to talk to. He would hold my hand and kiss my forehead.. And he always has this way about him that makes me feel like even if the world was ending it's gonna be okay somehow. We had our on and offs and I couldn't understand why... but now I know. We were sorta growing up together instead of growing apart. Ups and downs... Like most couples.

Then all of a sudden, my home got really dark.

I want to say first of all that to anyone who has experienced the nightmare of what addiction can do to a loved one.. It might be the worst thing in the entire world. Especially when you don't understand it and you're living in a constant nightmare. Every day is a downward spiral into a really deep dark hole. Every minute you're waiting to hear good or bad news because you never know if today is the day they will decide to turn away from it or let it take their life completely. You beg the person you love to stop hurting themselves and all you can do is hope they hear you through the unexplainable state of mind they are in.

He was my home. and he was drowning.

They say that heroin is the most addicting drug. And as I was learning of all the secrets in his life.. Someone told me that if he died of overdose, I could deal with the grief by knowing he died in the best way possible because heroin addicts didn't feel the pain. That statement is what made me really wake up to the facts of what the truth really was. I couldn't really even believe what was happening in my life. For a period of time.. when people lent me a shoulder to cry on, that's really all I could do was cry.

But I knew that the only thing I could do for him was to be by his side. So thats exactly what I did. And that's exactly what I will continue to do. We went to a doctor and he's been sober for almost a year now, and I can't tell you how proud I am of him for that. He has had such a hard struggle that most people can't overcome and he's really learned a lot and become the person I know and love again.

Someone asked me.. "Haley are you really willing to deal with the fact that he will be a recovering addict for the rest of his life?"

And all I could really think was... aren't we all recovering from something? I mean really. Think about it. Maybe we aren't all addicts. And maybe we haven't been that low. But we have all been hurt in some way that makes us human. And we recover. But I know that I couldn't recover from anything if I didn't have someone by my side who loved me.

If you know me.. You know how passionate I am about art. And in the past few months my family and friends have been a little shocked by the choices I've made to change my life and be with Jimmy. And I know some of you have felt let down by the fact that I left the career I loved as an artist.. and I know I let down a lot of my friends and co-workers, but I hope someday you'll understand that I'm a girl in love with this incredible boy who loves me too.

And he is my home.