like citrus

if crazy means living life like it matters,
then darling we are completely insane.
but who's to say what's crazy.
what about the sunlight against your golden skin.
and the way you pressed your lips to mine when i was seventeen.
insane the way we watched us drown, i can't believe.
crazy like the way you swallowed all that bullshit
and they convinced the world it was an accident.
accidental death.
it's never a valid term.
and now you linger around my mind. dancing circles in my bathroom.
you lived.
i learned.
now consume all your pride.
think about how your future died.
i wonder what you'd be like now, baby.
my eyelids fall to your hair like citrus.
i know now it's survival mode.
war against you..... the weakest.

moments of contentment

it's summer time and we're sitting together on a bench placed high upon a cliff, overlooking a lake. its a beautiful view of the mountains and if i squint my eyes tight enough, i can see people in their cars, passing by me as they drive down I-80.
this is our spot.

i look over at you, sitting next to me, holding my hand and for the first time in a long time, you're seeing the world as i'm seeing it. we're seeing it together. and for just a quick second.. i feel as though we've been here before. it's like we're 80 years old and we've lived this memory before. i snap back to the moment and for the first time, you tell me you love me.

it's not the overwhelming butterfly kind of moment.

it's more like a moment of contentment. a completion that fulfills you, brings your soul peace and makes you see the world with a little more ease.

three years later it's snowing. we've been growing apart lately with the distance between us and we're not really "us".
the lake is frozen over and we step out onto the lake. i look at you.. a little worried that we're on thin ice and you smile because you know its going to be okay.

i'm skating on the ice, spinning and swirling in circles around you.
we're laughing and we start to dance. you're whispering a song called "love story" in my ear. this is our love story.

we walk up to our bench on the cliff and look out over the world covered in white.
you turn to me, and for the first time in a long time.. you tell me you love me.

a moment of contentment. a completion that fulfills you, brings your soul peace and makes you see the world with a little more ease.

two years later i'm driving home. it's snowing on my windshield and on the freeway, right in front of our bench that looks over the world, i lose control and very nearly lose my life. when it's finally over, i realize im ok. we're ok. you still love me. and i'm still alive.

now thats a moment of contentment. a completion that fulfills you, brings your soul peace and makes you truly see the world with just a little more ease.

pleading, not praying

i would like to first of all agree with elizabeth gilbert, who wrote in her book that when she uses the name "god" to speak to a higher power she isn't hoping to offend her readers, she just feels comfortable with the term. so here we go, i too would like to use the name god when reffering to the one i pray to.

really, though.. its more like pleading. i don't attend church and i've never been one to "pray". but much like elizabeth i've come to the point of pleading to god.

me, my soul, my personality, the person i am, has never been indecisive. i really think i've always know what i want. but then again, to say "i think i know" is quite the contradiction. so why don't i know? it's just not me to be this..... lost.

lost: unable to find the way.

so why does this describe me? and why am i to the point of pleading?

i think because i'm never fulfilled where i am.. almost like i think there's something in the world im missing, like a part of me i never had. but then again, i "think", i do not know.

how does anyone really know? did you, reading this... and how did you know?

so here i am, pleading to god to help me make the right decisions. the big ones, like what to do for a career, who should i be, who should i be with, and where do i belong? i'm feeling like im floating again, all along being thankful that im breathing. thankful for the people in my life i love, who love me too. so why is that so bad? whats missing? why am i complaining?

its just something i guess im hoping to find.. something that completes me and that i don't ever question. something i "know".

dear dealer,

you're like a drug, and i'm hooked on you. you're the only thing i see.

addiction is just like every infatuation based love story.
it begins when the one you love gives you the heaviest dose of something you never
admitted you wanted.. an emotional hit of love, passion, excitement. addiction to a relationship
is much like the addiction to a substance.

soon you're a hungry, obsessed junkie, craving that love. or better yet that person.

when the drug is out of reach you turn crazy, going out of your own mind
sick and resentful of the dealer who got you hooked in the first place.

soon your shaking in the corner, heartbroken and empty.. professing that you would
sell your soul, rob your friends, give up everything you once wanted just to feel the
rush of that love.. the way it used to be. if only one last time.

you've got to see that we're a pathetic mess. unrecognizable to even our own eyes.

untitled

i just awoke from a dream of you, you were looking back at me as you walked away.
i realize how much i am missing you.. trying to be ok.

i always wondered why you leave and look back... and what is on your mind.
but now i know you want to remember what youre leaving behind.

i walked out on my porch, watched as cars drove by..
sat with earl grey.. and tried not to cry.

im wearing underwear and the tshirt you love so much.
the sun is beating down on me and im longing for your touch.

im thinking if i could run away id go to the ocean tonight.
i just want to be alone and clear my head, try to make things right.

i want to call you and hear your voice right now, but im not sure what i'd say.
so ill keep pretending i dont miss you, and live another day.

Slowly you're sinking.

Whenever you're around, it seems I can't find the inspiration to write.
You're a burden and I have no idea why.
I'd rather be alone in the dead of the night.
You're blocking my view of the sky.

You think you're so smart but you're so misleading..
We stare at the sun setting..
It looks like its bleeding.

Whenever you're around, it seems I can't finish this painting.
Its like I'm losing my love for art..
I'm so dizzy I'm fainting.
You're an empty room, a broken heart.

I always thought being without you would kill me.
and now here's what I'm thinking..
this is how things have to be.
And slowly you're sinking.

constellations

all you are is a memory.
i cant forget the way you kissed.
your voice.. to me, is a melody.
we tried to aim.. and we missed.

your skin on my skin was like heaven.
your arms wrap my waist so tight.
you said we matched like constellations.
you loved to hold me all night.

every time i saw you.
my heart would drop to the ground.
you promised you'd be there all the way through.
so why did you stand there and watch me drown?
i had to get over you.

your thoughts are wearing down on you now.
you keep letting your mistakes take you in.
and without me you say you cant breathe somehow.
your mind and soul are wearing so thin.

still... your words cut like a knife.
but you're the light in my dark world. youre a gift.
and with all the turbulance that comes with this life..
i'm still here. i'll still be your lift.

now all i can see are these memories...
i still cant forget your kiss.
your voice is still like that melody.
and i really hope you read this.

glass.

very rarely do we realize just how fragile we are.
and we do not embrace it until we are reminded.

i was very clearly reminded of this one morning in april.

i'm driving in my car and the sun is shining down on me.

the desert around me stretches out and the beautiful mountains turn to blue sky.

just ahead, a bit of a darkness.

i'm thinking about my best friend taralynn.. and i wish i could see her more often. our memories together remind me of a time when i never felt more alive.

i send her a text, letting her know i miss her already.

jack johnson is singing to me and he blares through my speakers.

then a song comes on by him called "lullaby".

"When you're so lonely lying in bed
Night's closed it's eyes but you can't rest your head
Everyone's sleeping all through the house
You wish you could dream but forgot to somehow
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Sing this lullaby to yourself"

its a soft, slow, beautiful song. one that you would listen to when you're laying in bed trying to fall asleep or sipping a cup of coffee on your porch swing with the one you love, cuddled up while watching the sun set.

it's amazing the way a song can make our mood, the way it can speak to us. how closely we can relate to simple words made so beautiful.

a few drops of rain suprise me as they splash against my windsheild.

then out of nowhere, not just rain but snow. coming down harder now and slamming into my windsheild like a rush and ive just driven into a storm.

i'm driving 78 miles an hour on the freeway.. i turn on my windshield wipers, and jack johnson continues on singing me a lullaby.

before i even have time to take off my sunglasses and turn off my cruise control i hit a puddle of water.

i'm sliding.

i'm sliding off the right side of the freeway still going 78 miles an hour and i can't stop.

i'm rolling.

all i hear is glass.

glass is so shiny and beautiful. it allows us to see into the world around us and brings us light when the world seems so dark.
and when it breaks it's much like the sound of screaming.

glass is breaking and screaming at me. its screaming and threatening my life. i'm holding on to my steering wheel as hard as my hands will let me. all im thinking is.. "this is it. today is the day." it lasted about 10 seconds and felt like 10 hours.

the nightmare finally ends. its over. i open my eyes and i'm upside down.

i'm buried in broken glass and jack johnson is singing me a lullaby.

i take off my seatbelt and i realize i'm okay. i'm alive. i just stole my life from death. if only i could put into words how grateful i am.

as i climb from the wreckage, out the broken window, all i see is a billboard in front of me that says "Jesus Saves".

this day was my miracle. and i still have so much more to live for.

cling to it while you can.

Love.

To experience the deepest of all emotion.

It's one thing that can make or break you.

Don't let it slip away.

To live every day like it had been stolen from death..

That is how I want to live.

To feel the joy of life and love and cling to it while we can.

To seperate oneself from the things in life like burden and anguish that we all experience every single day.

To say I am alive.

I am breathing.

I am.

That is something to aspire to.

This is how I will live my life.

a need-to-know.

you don't have to be a makeup artist to be amazing.. but it helps.